Yesterday was an agony of cross-bearing in the lightest possible sense. Things that should not mean so much, meant far, far too much. Trifles weighed on me heavily. oppressing me all day. A slight shift in viewpoint, a change in policy.
The long and the short of it was that I was big-time looking for a way not to carry these daily crosses. That is, until I read the reflection in In Conversation with God. While I find myself hesitant about the emphasis on making mortifications for yourself, the guide was very helpful in helping me to identify the phenomenon of the day. Suffice to say that i still didn't manage very gracefully, I fear. Nevertheless, I was more aware of what I was facing, and more willing to do so.
I find myself trying to get away from my own crosses way too often. I think this is even more apparent during this Season of Lent as it should be anyway, when I'm trying to be more patient with it all. You are in my prayers.
Nice post and comment.
It brought to my mind a couple of things; like, if only I could live my life over, I'd make a much greater effort to assess every required action--big and little--asked of me by the Lord. Instead of doing things my way, I would have stopped and thought about the consequences of a negative decision, of ignoring the truth, of getting my own selfish way. In fact, it gets worse later on. Not so much the inability to see the truth and do what is right, but getting the spiritual slate of my soul wiped clean.
I think it's a pretty good idea if you haven't already done it, to seek a very holy confessor, and make a "general confession" of your whole life. This is a once and for all sort of thing. The real kicker is that after coming clean and thinking you've remembered it all, darn if you don't remember something else half-hidden, or even worse, something that you totally forgot, or didn't adequately explain. That's called scruples. It can become sin, I believe, when we fail to understand that the General Confession was meant to cover all that we remember AND all that we forgot, too (take careful note of the priest's closing prayer and admonition).
The reason I mention this, is that the devil just loves to go after people seeking holiness, by convincing them that they really have something else unforgiven. This, I believe, results in a person possibly having a lack of faith in God's almighty compassion for us, and His desire that we join Him forever in the joy and happiness of eternal Life.
As I get older, considerably older, I feel the Evil One trying all sorts of tricks of this nature. Just be careful; be sure you've made one good complete confession. From there on, live each moment carefully, from moment to moment in the presence of God.
Sorry for such a long comment, but it might be helpful if this could be touched upon here in Flos Carmeli, especially during this season when we are required to receive Holy Communion, plus the annual requirement of Reconciliation. If needed, a complete statement of the Lenten Regulations (and some other good info) is noted on the front page of my site or blog.