Awake in the Watches of the Night

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Warning: What follows is intensely personal, and I trust not offensive to all. However, I give fair warning knowing that some may be uncomfortable reading it. If so, I apologize, but I also respectfully point out that you were warned.

Unusually for me, I am awake in the night. I don't often wake up or at least I don't often feel compelled to get up. But tonight overwhelming ickiness brings me to light and to the heart of this community, dreams of which awakened me.

And so I wonder how do I best render service to the Lord. Surely not by sitting here and typing. And yet sitting and typing helps all that is within to spill out, to begin to make sense.

Perhaps I am hearing echoes of Barbara Dent's book, which I finished tonight. Perhaps I fear growing closer to the Lord even as I am drawn closer. Nothing is clear except the impulse to say "I love you" to God. I want to make that love known to all the world. And I feel impotent to do so. No words say what is in my heart. No ideas convey the weight of God's love for me and the yearning I have to requite that love--to return kind for kind. I cannot love Him as He loves me and yet that is all that I desire to do.

Here in the late night, in the early morning, I raise my eyes to God on high and I thank Him among all the peoples letting them all hear the good He has done for me. He calls me and I find myself powerless to answer and I am devastated by my weakness. Only He can answer the call He issues and it can happen only in His time.

But here I am naked before Him and offering all that I am, all that I have, all that I can do. Take me Lord and use me for Your glory. Let me see you and let me take you to those who do not know you. Let me love with Your love. Let my heart be Your heart.

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I've been up around 3 AM the past few days, but stared at the ceiling instead of getting up... something inside is restless.

Months ago I concluded that I am often too focused on 'doing' instead of 'being'. Writing in my blog helped me figure that out. 'Being' takes some patience. 'Doing' is easy, because action can often keep me from facing the difficulties in life. Of course, there is a balance between the two, and finding that balance can take a while. And it can change as time goes by.

Dear Steve,

Thanks so much for sharing. It helps in many ways.



Since I turned 45 a few years ago, I find that I am regularly awakening around 0400 (unless, of course, I am already awake!). It is a good time to offer a quiet silent prayer, I have found.



About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Steven Riddle published on February 12, 2004 2:55 AM.

All That Green/Gray Above the Mason-Dixon Line. . . was the previous entry in this blog.

After All, Who Can You Call at 3:00 A.M. is the next entry in this blog.

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